Gårsdagens følelse

Dette er kopiert fra et innlegg jeg skreiv på Underskog i går kveld, i ni - ti-tida:

Jeg gruer meg!

Jeg flytter til New York 18. august for å gå på skole i minst 2,5 år og nå begynte jeg plutselig å grue meg helt vanvittig. Ubehagelig mye gruing, så mye at jeg griner. Akkurat i dette øyeblikket har jeg lyst til å droppe det og bare være i Oslo og kose på alle venna mine på fulltid. Hvorfor gjør jeg dette? Hva er vitsennnnnnnnnnnnnn.

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Jeg ville ha det i bloggen min fordi det er nettopp sånne ting den skal brukes til. Jeg skreiv det på Underskog fordi jeg visste jeg ville få støttende kommentarer innen den første tima, og det stemte. Nå føler jeg meg mye bedre. (Jeg hadde også en laaang samtale med mamma som hjalp meg aller mest, naturligvis.)

What I've been doing since December 5th

Oh, I just realized that I hadn't updated this blog between today and the beginning of December. Some new stuff has happened and I have been updating my LiveJournal (yes, I have a LiveJournal, get over it), but I forget to copypaste the updates to this blog.


This was posted December 13th:

(This first passage was written on my way home from work yesterday. It's still true, but it's not a newly fresh wound anymore.)

My heart is fucking broken. I had the early shift at work today and left before most of the kids, including the one who is so fond of me it's insane and adorable. When I told him I had to go, he said no, no, no, no and gave me a look that would've made anyone feel bad. I'll see him Monday and I feel like this. Thinking about leaving him for good, which I'll have to do next summer, makes my stomach ache and my hands numb. No way. No fucking way.

In other news, I'm postponing New York for certain. I've gotten pretty far on my New School (which is the name of the school) application. And I'm visiting the city during easter break. Hello excitement!

Today I bought tickets to Tromsø too! Going there in January to attend the film festival.



Posted January 25th:

I don't know what I'll do if I'm not accepted by The New School. I have no back-up plan, I'm not applying to any other schools, I don't want to attend any other school, I'm just so focused on The New School I can't think of any other schools. Shitttt. Maybe I'll end up working in the kindergarten forever, just postponing and postponing my education. I really don't want that to happen, but what else do I do if I'm not accepted?

I was at TIFF, saw lots of good and not so good movies, had fun, ate, drank, talked, ran after a dog. Maybe I'll write more about the films I saw. Now I'm watching a Law & Order: SVU episode, I've seen it before.

NS NZ WES GPA TOEFL NY BHG

Hello hello. Nothing much to report, I'm still insecure about getting accepted to New School and I've started looking into schools in New Zealand again, but the more I read about NS (New School) the more I wanna go there. It's the perfect school. Peeeeerfect. WES finalized my transcript evaluation on Thursday, I have a 3.41 GPA which I'm very pleased with. So that's another step closer to finishing my application. NS still hasn't received my TOEFL results and my WES documents were sent Thursday or Friday so those are obviously not there yet and that's basically what's missing from my finished application. Arsgfsafghd I'm just waiting and waiting and I'm very nervous and hopeful. What if my essays were craaaaap. I've never written college application essays before and I didn't really get proper feedback on them. What if I'm not accepted. Shit.

I'm visiting New York for eight nights in about seven weeks, wow. I haven't been there since I moved back to Norway in June 2008. Yesterday was the two year "anniversary" of my moving there. Time flies, whatever. Too much of my life - considering I live in Norway - evolves around New York, I'm a nerd.

My job is still amazing and I'm very anxious about leaving the kids, they should have stability in their life and I'm not giving them that by leaving (I of course realize that I am not the most important person in their lives, but I'm a pretty big part of it). And after that I'll probably never see them again, what the hell. The youngest ones will probably forget about me and that's a fucking heart-breaking thought. I'm tearing up, lawlz. I'll have to send lots of pictures and letters from wherever I might be moving and visit every time I go home. Way to move on, yeah.

And I'm also in love with all the actors in Hipsters and the Russian language. :D

The beginning of the end

I'm currently writing a home exam about the music and sound in Reservoir Dogs. It's interesting and I'm learning a lot, but I'm sick and tired of writing now. Luckily it's all over soon, only a few more pages. But I kinda don't want it to be over. I've had so much fun in Lillehammer the last couple of months. I've met some amazing people here, and only pretty recently started expanding my social network in my class (which previously was narrowed down to those five amazing people already mentioned). I wish I had the chance to get to know the new acquaintances better, but I'm leaving in a week and not continuing here next semester. I don't know, I guess I could keep in touch with them somehow, but I feel like I don't know them well enough for it to be natural. We'll see. I'll get over it.


Trying to make some sense of it all,
but I can see it makes no sense at all.